I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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