**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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