"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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