I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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