mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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