I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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