I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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