I wannas sexs uuuuu
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
