I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
