Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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