I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
