Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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