Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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