we have officially lost it.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
