called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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