I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
