The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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