hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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