So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
