Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
