Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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