Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
