what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
This house was built for laser tag.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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