is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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