toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
