i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
