dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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