Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
