If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
