and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
