You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Even the bartender felt bad for me
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
