exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
