Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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