All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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