that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
