do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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