I think my fart just growled at me.
The best revenge is premature balding
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
