if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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