you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
