Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
