Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
