The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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