i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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