Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
