i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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