my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
