There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
