Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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