im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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