when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
