so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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